Imagine sitting on a stone-hard seat of iron, hypodermic needles stabbing you in the forearms, a 40-pound plastic suit covering your entire body as you are forced to work, your head completely enclosed in a space helmet, the smell of stink and rot blowing against you, and a hairy-backed dungeon master clubbing you in the shins with an iron mace.

Oh, crap… I gave away that was an exaggeration. The dungeon master doesn’t come in on Tuesdays.

For serious, today was the metabolic exercise test. We’ll accept the word ‘test’ in its literal form for this one, as I actually had to saddle up on the old bike and chug away while breathing through the mask and tube. (You remember, the one for people with big heads). Turns out I have big feet, too. Being a small guy, I seem to be some kind of awesome proportional mutant.

For those who have never experienced an exercise metabolic test (I hate typing that, by the way, very awkward), it’s essentially taking the getup used in the “don’t fall asleep” test from the other day and wearing it while doing some simple Spinning. The intelligent and omniscient gizmo gadgets monitor your internal functions and tell you more about yourself in ten minutes than you could ever figure out on your own, presented in full color graphs on handy 8.5″x11″ inkjet paper.

We did have to do the test twice because I accidentally overexerted myself on the first go and threw off the machine. One point for me. On the second run, I focused and concentrated, pedaled as I was told to pedal, manipulated the resistance as I was told to manipulate it, tried to stay on level, and basked in the cooling zephyr of Gene’s “imported from Hawaii” air from the plastic fan mounted on the wall. About five minutes later, I set a new Global Ride record: shortest test time! The way I interpreted it, this record could also be read as “Most out of shape person to be given an exercise metabolic test at Global Ride.”

My anaerobic threshold hit somewhere in the fourth minute, if I recall correctly. My VO2 (which I’m told is a fancy way of saying lung capacity) was somewhere around 20, and apparently it’d be nice if it were double that. My heart rate peaked in the 120s and during recovery would only decrease by 5-7 bpm, which is about 75% slower than would be good. Numbers and figures aside, the test wasn’t too physically difficult – and despite all preconceptions I had, I don’t think I’m going to wake up paralyzed tomorrow.

That might happen after the first real Spin session. This little soiree was merely a prime time trailer for the real show, with a headline of “Coming Soon.”

The other day, I came into work with no breakfast, coffee, or other metabolism-altering substances messing with my system. I put down my laptop bag, took off my coat, and waited for my metabolic test to begin.

The purpose of the metabolic test, as I understand it, is to measure the number of calories per day that my body burns basically doing nothing – that is, the calories I require just to function through my daily sedentary rituals. It also helps trainers establish when your body reaches its anaerobic thresholds, and when it changes from burning fat to burning carbs. We would be conducting the test in the lower level of our facility, with a room specifically dedicated to the purpose.

“Test” is a word that is used loosely, as my only responsibility during the 15 minute session was to lay down on a comfortable couch and not fall asleep. A heart monitor is strapped across the chest to monitor heart rate, and an elastic airtight gas mask-looking unit is strapped around the head, with a small tube coming from the mouth section to breathe through.

“You sort of have a big head,” said Gene, my boss and owner of Global Ride, as he realized the breathing unit wouldn’t fit around my head went to the supply closet to get a new one that was larger. “I’ve never had to use this one before.” Thanks, Gene.

These two devices are not the most forgiving accessories when you’re attempting to get comfortable, but with the lights down low, ambient music playing, and a big soft couch full of pillows surrounding you, it’s not terribly difficult to relax. Breathe through your mouth, not your nose, in, out, in, out, listen to the machine scribble and calculate, in, out, in, out, scribble, calculate, it’s over.

Daily calories burned: 1771
Fuel mixture: 57% fat, 43% carbs.
BMI: 23 (a.k.a. “normal weight”)

It’s not particularly bad looking as far as numbers go. But again, there’s one point to stress in this blog: being fat and being fit aren’t parallel. I guarantee there are plenty of fat people in better shape than me. Burning 1771 calories per day doing relatively nothing is quite a few. Exercising is going to pump that up higher. During a 45-minute Spin session, people can burn anywhere from 500-700 calories. That’s quite a bit, buddy.

So that’s what I learned from the metabolic test. That, and I have an unusually large head. Hell yeah.

Don’t mess with the bull, you’ll get the horns.